Part 2

We tried counseling and for more than one reason we knew it just wasn't going to work so we decided to get a legal separation. We had 3 bedrooms and I moved into the spare. He worked days, I worked nights, and we got a sitter for the 30 min where we were both at work. He allowed me to stay there so I could save up money to move out. I had just started waitressing and would save all my tips. At this time I had all sorts of mixed feelings and emotions. I felt guilty for getting a divorce...like a failure for not being able to hold my marriage together. I was insecure because how could I ever meet a nice Christian man with a divorce and child as baggage. I also had the need to feel wanted....so I would go out with my work buddies and have a good time. I lived near an Army base so I really had the pick...plenty of guys to get I realized I better get this story out quickly before you think that was the story....
attention from. And I did get plenty of attention. I ended up meeting a nice guy where I worked....a regular. And he was just what I needed...he was always giving me compliments on how I looked nice, my hair looked good today BUT he was married and going through a divorce too. So we would basically sit together and complain...whine and laugh to each other about our soon to be ex spouses. It felt safe and I had lost most of my people to confide in because the Army sticks together and so "our friends" were now "Al's friends". Than a big thing happened...Sep 11, 2001. Living on an Army post there was lots of talk and chaos about what was going to happen. It was stressful for everyone...the whole United States. My new friend was more than likely going to be leaving soon so we spent some time together just talking. He took me home one night and when I got home I had a rude awakening. There was a girl in my house with my husband....yes, he was a soon to be ex but I was sort of in shock. I got angry and left...and drank. We went back to my friend’s house and drank and just talked and talked. Until we were doing more than talking and as they say "one thing leads to another". I left soon after that feeling a little guilty as I was still legally married. He left about a week later to go overseas. We didn't exchange numbers or emails...we just said good bye. At this time we decided that it was best if I moved out. I had enough money saved to move into a low income apt unit. I had enough to pay the bills and feed my son. We had what we needed, a roof over our heads, a couch, TV, dining room table, and bed. And I was ecstatic! I was on my own and we were going to do it...we were going to prove we could make it on our own. My Mom would call and beg to come pick me up and bring me home...but nope, I was stubborn. I wanted to make a life for myself and my son. I had made another good friend at work...he was a college age boy who was a lot of fun and took to Ethan. He ended up being a great babysitter when I had to work a night I don't usually work. We became friends and we knew there was a little more there but we were taking it slow...I still wasn't legally divorced. About 6 to 7 weeks after Sep 11th I knew something was not right with my body. I went to the Dr's and got a big surprise....I was pregnant.
I couldn't tell anyone. There were people out there trying for years and years and I am pregnant. Getting a divorce and now pregnant...the guilt grew larger. I waited a few weeks to tell anyone. I decided to tell my new friend first...might as well get it out of the way so he can run before he gets in too deep. So I sat him down to tell him and got a huge surprise....I announce that I am pregnant and he says "Congratulations, give me a hug." Not the response I was expecting...more like a "Thanks for your honesty"...and a fast sprint to the door. But he was so caring...didn't ask whose it was but just let me talk about it. I waited another week and decided I had to tell my parents. That went over as well as could be expected. We talked about the option of adoption. Through the next few weeks I decided to only tell a few select people until I decided what I would do. I didn't tell any of my friends at home....just the people that would see me as I got bigger. Brandon and I dated on and off....friends, more than friends, love, back to friends. It was awkward when my belly started to grow and we were worried about people asking questions. One of the people I trust most told me that they thought adoption was probably my best option. I knew God had given me this for a reason I just had no idea of what to do...I wanted a sign. So I looked for a Christian adoption agency and was set up with a couple. Jim and Diana. We got in touch and talked and they decided to come out and visit me so I could get to know them. We met and they were wonderful. They were sweet and godly and they were close to perfect. They were teachers and historians and could give this baby a lot of opportunities I wouldn't be able to provide. I had gotten a job at a bank by now but that was basically paying minimum wage and was once again enough to pay for rent, daycare, feed us, and cover necessary bills. How could I add a 3rd person into this? Was it fair to Ethan to bring a baby into our lives and how much would it take from him? Would I have to go on welfare...all these questions entered my mind. During my pregnancy I would get random checks in the mail from friends and family that were just thinking about me. They didn't even know I was pregnant but I would get a letter saying that God put me in their heart and they wanted to send this or that. I went to the lawyer of the couple that I had met for the adoption. She was a wonderful Christian lady and recommended I go see a counselor. She said that this was a big life changing event and I should talk to a professional so she sent me to a Christian Counselor. Throughout the pregnancy I acted like I did not know I was pregnant, like I was just holding someone else's baby. I didn't want to know the sex, I didn't want to look at the baby in the ultrasounds, I didn't want to get too attached. Just tell me that he/she is healthy and I will keep on going. I finally met with the counselor and told her I thought I was their because I was alone and a single mother and needed someone to listen. Once I started talking she told me I had it all wrong. I had TOO many people in my life giving me their opinion. I could list on both my hands the few people that knew but I could also give you each and every one of their strong opinions on what I needed to do. Being a people pleaser I was setting myself up to fail again....someone would not be happy with my decision and I hated knowing that. People were even insulted when I would tell them what one person told me saying that they had a good point...they would get upset that I didn't acknowledge their point. So I realized I was surrounded by a ton of people and there were too many opinions. I prayed and prayed that God would just tell me what to do. Speak from a bush, send me a cloud that shows me what to do, a talking animal, something, anything. On Mother's Day I went to church for the first time in a long time. I was about 36 weeks pregnant. For the first time ever in a church I heard the preacher talk about single Moms. He was talking about all the different Moms, working, stay at home, and single Moms. I had never heard this....but he was saying that we need to step up and love them. Be there for the child of a single Mom who might need some extra attention from a Man. I cried and cried. Not only was he talking about me like I was ok but he was telling me that I will be ok. And then I remember we sang the song "I Can Only Imagine". That has been a tear jerker song every time I hear it. It didn't matter what my decision was....the only that mattered was God. He was taking care of me when I was not aware of it. I realized that I needed to get serious....time was almost up and I had to make a decision. So I was down to 2 weeks and my lease was almost up and Brandon and I weren't really on close terms and I just wanted to be done. I started lining things up and just saying "Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understandings." So I took it day by day. If my landlord will let me shorten my lease I stay here, if he makes me sign for a year I move back to CA. He said I could sign a 6 month lease so I was staying. A few days later I got a call from Brandon that he wanted to get back together. He couldn't see his future without me. I went into labor on Father's Day and I still didn't know what to do. I had actually had a dream a few weeks before I delivered that I had a little girl and my Dr named her. The labor was quick and I would like to say painless but that would be a total lie. Brandon and his Mom were in the room with me. And I had a little girl. When the Dr told me I had a little girl I just looked at Brandon and said "Ashley Elizabeth, just like in my dream." There was no question that she was mine and I was her mother. Although she looked nothing like me, a full head of black hair, she was perfect. I didn't need a sign from God...I just looked at her and knew why he had given her to me. It wasn't to provide another couple with a child but it was to take care of her and to raise her in a Godly way. I spent that Father's Day calling family and friend’s t announce that I had a little girl. Not the usual, "Sit down, I'm pregnant." But it was "Sit down, I have a daughter."
The story gets even better....but I want to save it for tomorrow. :)